Today I received a friend request from the “Mr Big” of my life. I almost fell off my chair when I saw his name in my inbox.
There was a point in my life when I thought I would want to know how he’s doing forever.
Turns out, I was wrong.
I am coming into my ninth year of being considered clinically depressed. On March 15, 2002, my brain broke. There was an incident at work that sent me in a tailspin. It shouldn’t have. It should have been a normal meeting with a bad moment. But it snapped whatever part of my brain was trying to hold me together.
Thankfully, I was able to get into the doctor’s office that Tuesday and since March 19, 2002, I have been medicated. I expect I will be on meds the rest of my life. And knowing my life now versus then, I am happy to do so.
It hasn’t been all wine and roses since. I was lucky that I got the right med the first time. I was unlucky when my insurance company decided not to cover it. I was thankful when the med went generic and I could afford it again. There have depressive periods. Some short, some months long.
I’m guessing I am in one now. Because I don’t want to do anything. That includes getting out of bed.
At work I’m good. My house is chaos. CHAOS. My dog doesn’t remember the last time she got a good walk. My trash is going to take itself out soon. There are shoes everywhere. My Christmas wrap is still out.
I have good intentions. For tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes. And, well, it will still all be there tomorrow. Alas, it is. I can’t really pinpoint it to anything. I’ve been good about a year now. But lately I’ve just been struggling. You probably wouldn’t know it talking to me. But this just sitting in my bed (not even the couch!) is an indicator.
I know if I would tidy up and get a little exercise things would clear up. It’s just figuring out what I need to do to get there.
I know, just do it and what you need will come. Whatever.
I gave up meat about 2.5 years ago. It was surprisingly easy.
I don’t crave hamburgers or steaks or beef fajitas. I thought about turkey on Thanksgiving day, but when the time came, it wasn’t really of interest.
Alas, I’ve not been perfect.
At first, my cravings for hot dogs were the worst. I tried a few fake ones but they just never met my need. Then this year I found a fabulous place that has the best veg hot dogs.
I’ve had fish tacos. But I can’t eat a fish filet.
For a long while, I desperately wanted a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and waffle fries. I bought one, ate half and it tasted fabulous. But I’ve not wanted one since.
But bacon. Bacon has been my most consistent craving. As of late, it’s been bad. I’m not sure why. It’s been daily. Obsessively in my thoughts. It’s even been in my dreams.
This week, I broke. I got the Bacon, Gouda Cheese and Egg Frittata on an Artisan Roll. And it was fabulous. Orgasmic. Everything I wanted it to be and more. Only, it didn’t “fix” my craving. It made it worse. I’ve had two more, plus a grilled cheese with bacon. Last night? I bought, made and ate a package of it. Yes,14 slices of BACON. And right now? Trying to talk myself out of going out for a BLT. With extra bacon.
I feel guilty. Like I have failed. I am eating an animal. Probably one that was factory farmed. Everything I am against. My primary reason for not eating meat.
I am going to spend some time now reading through the sites that helped me make the decision to go veg. Maybe the reminder of the cruelty will put me back on the path of the straight and narrow.
Going with the first thing that popped into my head . . . It’s been 12 years? A co-worker’s dad had cancer. He was told by his doctors that it was terminal, so they went to a curandero. This “healer” promised that if he drank his own urine the cancer would go away. It didn’t work and I’ve never been able to shake how I felt when she told me she really thought it would be The Cure.
29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life, Cami Walker
Under the Dome: A Novel, Steven King
The Help, Kathryn Stockett
The Power of Half: One Family’s Decision to Stop Taking and Start Giving Back, Kevin Salwen
Backseat Saints, Joshilyn Jackson
Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, Donald Miller
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years : What I Learned While Editing My Life, Donald Miller
To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
Fly Away Home: A Novel, Jennifer Weiner
Ape House, Sara Gruen
Oh No She Didn’t: The Top 100 Style Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them, Clinton Kelly
In the Company of Others: A Father Tim Novel, Jan Karon
Room: A Novel, Emma Donoghue
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot
Pick three? But the list is so much longer!
I have a list over at the Happiness Project Toolbox. I was pretty excited to see I can cross two off my list of “places to go”: Drive Hwy 1/101 up the California Coast and visit Paris. (I can also see I need to update my lists of life goals and things to do.) For this post I’m going with:
I found the European lifestyle so different from ours while we were in Paris, so now I would like to explore other cultures and learn more about how to live life in the here and now.
I discovered in Mexico that I love to snorkle. The Great Barrier Reef is is the world’s largest single structure made by living organisms. Unfortunately, the reef is under enviromental attack, brought about by many factors. I would like to go there while the reefs are still considered “great.”
I’m at home this evening. Hanging out with Gigi. Reassuring her while the ‘hood pops fireworks.
Earlier today I was remembering when there was a party every year. We had good times in our 20s. And I am so glad to have those memories to reflect back on.
But you know what? I’m just as happy at home with my baby, snacking on junk, drinking Crown & Lemon Italian Soda (YUM), watching The Town and playing Words with Friends.
Life is good. Happy New Year, my friends!
WordPress.com has issued a challenge to bloggers to actually blog. Novel idea, huh? They have started a new blog to offer ideas, suggestions and inspiration, hoping it will you get the most out of your blog. They are encouraging WordPressers to commit:
Guess which option I picked? They even wrote us a nice little intro note to use:
I’ve decided I want to blog more. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting right now. I will be posting on this blog once a day / once a week for all of 2011.
I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, awesome and wonderful. Therefore I’m promising to make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.
If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way.
<Your Name Here>
So I hope you’ll “encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way.” Pretty please with sugar on top?
I’ve talked about The Happiness Project for a few years now. I find Gretchen always gets me thinking. Like Happiness resolution: Choose a one-word theme for the new year.
Wow. A one word theme for the year. Interesting. So I’ve been mulling it over. Wondering what word could really make a difference in what I do. I’ve been thinking living life rather than just getting through it one day at a time.
I started thinking about what holds me back. From losing weight. From getting out and doing things. From dancing and singing my way through life. And it’s fear. Fear of what, who knows? Maybe everything.
So, my word for 2011? FEARLESS.
I’m following Gretchen’s lead and starting in January, my challenge is to figure out what to do differently, according to my word. I am going to make FEARLESS my mantra. Instead of making specific resolutions, I will use it to look at everything I do with new eyes.
To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too.
~ Taylor Swift