That’s my Godson’s favorite quote. Pretty profound. Perhaps I should heed that advice.
it’s the thought of what could have been that breaks our hearts the most . . .
That line was written by Jen at Prior Fat Girl about how she’s feeling in her life right now. But, wow, Helloooooo Susan?
I live my life worried. I wish I could not. But I don’t know how. I know things are beyond my control. I know the “Let Go, Let God” mantra. I understand the concept. Acting on it? Not so much.
- Be Susan.
- Act the way I want to feel.
- Be gentle with myself.
- Stop drifting. Be mindful.
- Let it go.
- Lighten up.
- Do what is right.
- Live in the now.
- Look for good in all people.
- Give in to love.
Earlier this year I chose “fearless” as my word for the year. I wanted to be fearless in my life. To take chances where I hadn’t before. I thought I wrote about it somewhere, but I guess I didn’t.
So here I am at the end of the year to talk about what I did that was fearless. For the first time in nine years, I went on a date. With someone who had the potential to be someone in my life. I know it seems silly that that would be my fearless option for the year, but trust me, it took every ounce of courage I had to take the leap.
I wish I had written about it, now that the relationship is over. I wish I had documented what I felt as I went through it. He is a good man, but I know I did the right thing by ending it. Two weeks out though, it’s still hard every day. I miss him. I’d hoped we could be friends, but he’s chosen not to communicate with me anymore. That makes me sad. I *liked* him, you know?
Now is time to think about what my word for 2012 will be. (Ugh, 2012. WTF?)
The first teacher who popped into my mind was my 12th grade English teacher. She was so negative about my writing and I was the editor of our school newspaper. Near the end of the year, I won first place in our district for news writing. Back in class, my friend Roy brought it to her attention. He was standing up for me, my skills. Her response? It was along the lines of, “I taught her everything she knows.” I’m pretty sure we just rolled our eyes and went back to playing MTV Hangman.
The second teacher was my fourth grade teacher. She was mean. I remember being ear pinched and dragged around. I remember feeling stupid and spending lots of recesses sitting out working on school work. Till one day our head minister stopped by and asked what we were doing. He told us we needed to go play and released us. We never had to do recess homework again.
My best friend described my laugh several years ago perfectly: “It is HAHAHAHAHAHA.” I think it was said during a conversation about me being such a perfectionist that even my laugh used a laugh word: ha.
And, if you listen carefully, you can hear it. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I have a great laugh. It’s distinctive. Usually pretty loud.
I’ve had people find me in a crowd by following my laughter. Which, when you think about it, is pretty cool.
I am coming into my ninth year of being considered clinically depressed. On March 15, 2002, my brain broke. There was an incident at work that sent me in a tailspin. It shouldn’t have. It should have been a normal meeting with a bad moment. But it snapped whatever part of my brain was trying to hold me together.
Thankfully, I was able to get into the doctor’s office that Tuesday and since March 19, 2002, I have been medicated. I expect I will be on meds the rest of my life. And knowing my life now versus then, I am happy to do so.
It hasn’t been all wine and roses since. I was lucky that I got the right med the first time. I was unlucky when my insurance company decided not to cover it. I was thankful when the med went generic and I could afford it again. There have depressive periods. Some short, some months long.
I’m guessing I am in one now. Because I don’t want to do anything. That includes getting out of bed.
At work I’m good. My house is chaos. CHAOS. My dog doesn’t remember the last time she got a good walk. My trash is going to take itself out soon. There are shoes everywhere. My Christmas wrap is still out.
I have good intentions. For tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes. And, well, it will still all be there tomorrow. Alas, it is. I can’t really pinpoint it to anything. I’ve been good about a year now. But lately I’ve just been struggling. You probably wouldn’t know it talking to me. But this just sitting in my bed (not even the couch!) is an indicator.
I know if I would tidy up and get a little exercise things would clear up. It’s just figuring out what I need to do to get there.
I know, just do it and what you need will come. Whatever.