I left the house yesterday! Yes, I say that like it’s a good thing, because it is. I’ve been very reclusive lately. Doing the bare minimum of what needs to get done and nothing more. When I post on Facebook that I wasted another day. I mean it.
I read yesterday morning and then came home. I had an idea of things I wanted to do. But I napped instead. Eventually I literally forced myself to leave the house.
I spent a while wrestling with inviting my mom. See, I like to do things alone, and that’s not something she understands. So I can tell it hurts her feelings if I tell her that I did something without her. Even something simple like a trip to Target.
I thought about a conversation I had with a friend during dinner this week (another force myself to leave the house). I told him that I don’t think I will ever feel like an adult while my mom is alive.
Harsh, right? But I am still her child. I have no other title to differentiate myself with. Like wife. Or mother. I am just her daughter. And because of that I stop myself from doing things because, well, that’s a struggle to explain.
I literally sat in the drive way for minutes telling myself it was ok to go without her. It was OK.
I did nothing exciting. I drove by my Godson’s new school. Just to get an idea of where it is. Figure out the simplest route (it’s totally not in my neighborhood). Then I wandered around a bookstore. And JCPenney. Then I stopped at a grocery store in the area to see if they had these new drinks we discovered at the Pet Expo that mom really liked but aren’t in our ‘hood.
I bought her what they had (three!). Then I took it by her house with a DVD and special newspaper section. I chatted for a while and she seemed in good spirits. Thank heavens for that antidepressant.
I felt good when I came home. That I’d done something. Anything. I know it sounds crazy. And like maybe this isn’t the best time to be juggling my meds. But I don’t feel down. I feel like I’m in a place where I don’t need to be pushing myself. Even if there’s lots of be done. That this is a phase that will pass with the heat.
I’m having dinner with another friend from out-of-town tonight. And I’m looking forward to it. I’m not saying there won’t be some wrestling with it on my part this afternoon, but I will go and I know I will have fun.