Jill called last night to bring me up-to-date on family goings-on. She eventually asked how mom was. I said, I don’t know and totally unloaded on her. I surprised even myself. I feel so burdened by what’s going on. I’m not even sure how to articulate it.

My brother was here in the last month or so. One of mom’s two window units stopped working. I’d hoped that while he was here, he’d replace the unit for her (not buy it, just put it in the window). He told her he’d look at it (the old unit, which was an ac/heater unit) in the morning, but left town without doing so.

He said, oh a year ago (?), that he’d be back soon to fix an issue with the gas tank on her car. Yeah, nothing there either. Mind you, he is a MECHANIC. He fixes cars FOR A LIVING. Yet his 84-year-old mother can drive around in a car that reeks of gasoline.

I tried to talk her into the clunker program. That we’d trade her car in, I’d get a new one and she’d drive mine. But, she doesn’t want a car payment, doesn’t want me to have a car payment. And, well, neither do I, but if that’s what it took, you know?

I know. I’ve been performing this same song and dance routine for years now. I should be able to let it go. But she loves him. Talks about him to me. I try to uh-huh my way through her updates without paying attention, but . . . I guess I don’t know how.

Earlier this month my great-nephew turned two. We were never officially invited to his party and I got the “message” via “small gathering on a Sunday from 3-5pm.” And “we can find another weekend for you to come when I’m not in school.” Yeah, there’s been lots of follow-up on that.

I am so envious when I see siblings together that like each other. Want to talk to each other. Spend time together. I have no idea what that feels like. I wish I did.

I was laying in bed the other night and through a random trail of thoughts started thinking about the fact that I don’t have a will. That I need to get one. But, what would I want it to say?

I decided I needed a clause like, “If my doctor pronounces me brain dead, pull the plug immediately.” Or, “If I have slight brain blips but will be a vegetable, stop feeding me.” What you don’t think these things too?

Then I decided that no one who is a blood relative of mine should receive any financial gain from my death (sorry Shannon). I want my executor to take care of my mom if she doesn’t pre-decease me. If she’s gone, then my money goes to sending my Godson to college. Beyond that, I don’t know.

Funny the things that we think about in the dead of night. No pun intended.

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