I really do have a lot of things I think to write about. And then I sit in front of my computer and start playing games. Because being mindless is way easier than putting together thoughts and complete sentences. Not that I am always good at that complete sentence part.
I have been down this week. It's the stupid family stuff. I have not exercised. I nap when I come home. Play Alchemy or Bejeweled 2 until it's time to go to bed. I haven't even been watching my shows this week.
I guess part of me thinks I am good at separating the heart stuff from my brain. Guess not. Did that even make sense? Guess not.
I made the mistake of falling in love with that baby. I heard myself say in my head, You know, it's really not too late. Course my immediate response was Yes, it is. (What? Like you don't talk to yourself that way?) It's really about that baby and the lost chances with my own niece and nephew.
I don't see my niece changing her heart towards mom and I. It's not that she's not cordial (although not chatty), but there is no warmth there at all. We could be complete stangers bearing gifts. I totally feel her wall, and trust me, I can throw up a wall with the best of them.
So I think it's that sense of loss that hurts the most. I know that with time and absence I'll get back to the place where I don't think about it daily. Dammit, I'm tearing up.
Maybe it's the loss of family. Because once mom is gone I am alone. Alone.
Yes, I have friends that are like family. Hell, better than my own family.
I don't know. Maybe I just need to call my therapist.