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I hid my denial a little better this time. I knew by Friday, based on my tummy, that I was nervous about the trip. To meet our newest family member. I thought I was doing better, but I guess not. Especially since I took a five hour nap today. I am so screwed for sleeping tonight.

He is beautiful. Perfect in every little way. And I'm not sure what to do about that. I'd love to see him all the time, but I don't know how to do that. I mean, really, it literally makes me sick to my stomach just for a one-day visit. Throws my system into such a tizzy that I sleep till 10a, lay down to take a nap at noon and get up again about 4:45p. I've basically been awake four hours today. Not good.

My niece actually spoke a little more than normal. I felt like I was doing really well till mid afternoon. When she showed me the scrapbook she'd put together for the wedding. It was really well done. And it had not one picture of me. Mom, yes. Me, no.

My nephew joined us for lunch. That kid has been in so many car accidents. Bad ones. When he goes, that will be how. And no, they are never his fault.

 

Friday night I was laying in bed remembering back to my depression. Just over five years ago, I hit rock bottom. I look back now and I'm surprised it wasn't suggested I take a nice little vacation at this nice little facility where I could wear this nice little white jacket.

I remembered how I used to go to sleep back then. I would literally feel darkness around me. Like those bad souls in the Ghost movie? So I would visualize four angels coming into my room (small, like imagined fairy size). They would have this covering — sheer like netting — that they would drap over my bed. It was lit, a light gold shade. It would wrap around my bed and seal me in (not tight, draped like mosquito net). I could visualize all the darkness around me and see the gold and the angels protecting me from all of that.

That's an example of what it took to get me through at the time. I thank God my mind was still there enough to do that. I look back now and see how really very ill I was.

 

So I worry on days like today when I sleep too much. I worry about the avoidence or denial or whatever it is my brain is working through. But I've got to remember to "be gentle" with myself (as my therapist used to tell me). That it's ok to have a day like today. Just not days like today. Or weeks like today.

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